How can the Church approach the topic of sex in a caring way to singles?
There’s a good reason why the Church doesn’t talk to singles about sex very often. The Bible is clear that sex is an act exclusively for married people and that talking too much about it to singles can cause unnecessary stumbling or discontent.
But the Bible is also clear that sex is a beautiful gift from God. It is spoken about much more positively in the Bible than in our fear-driven church culture. The solution to not being a stumbling block should not be to never talk to singles about sex, unless it is in the context of exhorting singles about their purity.
For single people, not talking or thinking about sex for so long, then finally getting married and expecting them to immediately welcome sex as an important part of their life, can be very damaging. The Church can easily do more to prepare singles for marriage and even use the God-designed theme of sex to encourage singles, whether they marry or not.
Here are three consequences I’ve seen of the Church rarely mentioning sex unless it’s in a negative light:
1. The way the Church talks about sex can lead to sexual repression
Because sex is almost always approached in a negative way with single people — as in, not having sex or otherwise — this leads many to repress themselves sexually and fear sex itself.
I’m sure the details of what it looks like to heed Ephesians 5:3 varies from person to person, but if someone holds fast to this belief, there is no sexual activity before the marriage. And then, by Church standards, you’re expected to flip a switch just because you’re married and become this sex kitten that pleases your partner overnight.
Our bodies don’t work that way. And if you have the mentality that what it takes to be sexually pure is to “beat your body and make it your slave,” it can be difficult to undo that repression.
Christian sexologist Lauren Peterson talks about it in a podcast called Truth, Trauma, Theology:
“I’ve seen couples walk through the door where neither can access the excitement because they’ve spent years turning it off.
“I see a lot of body shaming, body hatred, I see a lot of disgust at sexual attention… Because of some of the messages that we’ve received implicitly or explicitly — women who feel like the Their husband’s attraction to them is gross. They cannot receive this in a loving way. Because they’ve been told their whole lives that if men do that, you’re probably being immodest, or you’re delaying something to attract that and that it’s a sin.
“Our bodies are not switches. »
This has serious implications not only for the sex lives of husband and wife, but also for their ability to enjoy God through the beautiful gift of sexual intimacy. And for some, unless serious unlearning takes place, it may take years and years or even a lifetime before they can enjoy themselves.
God created us for fun! Not just sexual pleasure, of course – the pleasure of food, of friends, of wine, of a cool breeze. This begs the question of what else we are preventing ourselves from enjoying, and therefore cutting ourselves off from a direct channel to knowledge, real knowledge of God in this way.
I do not promote sexual acts of any kind before marriage. But how different might our mentality be if we accepted that we are sexual beings AND that we are still made in the image of God? Being a sexual being does not necessarily mean participating in sexual acts, but it does mean a holy and comfortable acceptance of our sexuality rather than repression.
The Church could bring so much good to the lives of their singles if they would stop being afraid of sex and start talking about it like God does – in a very positive way!
2. Implicit messages about sex can lead singles to have deep shame around their sexual nature
There was sex in the perfect and holy Garden of Eden even before the fall, as Genesis 1:18 tells us: “And God blessed them. And God said to them: “Be fruitful, multiply, replenish the earth and subdue it. »
And not only was there sex for procreation, but there are also clear biblical guidelines for sharing intimacy for intimacy’s sake:
“Your sex life will be blessed if you take joy and pleasure with the wife of your youth” Proverbs 5:18-19 TTP
“Do not deprive each other of sex unless you both agree to abstain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so that you can devote yourselves more fully to prayer. Then you should come together again so that Satan cannot tempt you because of your lack of self-control” 1 Corinthians 7:5 NLT
All of this indicates that our sexual nature is a good thing.
It’s a good thing we want to be close to other humans. It is a good thing that we want to use the bodies God has given us to please one another and to experience pleasure ourselves. It’s a good thing that we want to be vulnerable and give ourselves completely to another.
But the implicit message that single Christians hear more often is this:
“Sex (before marriage) is a sin. Therefore, think of sex only as a sin.
“If you know that sex is a sin, you are less likely to be wrong. »
“Your body is responsible for causing sin in others, so cover it up. »
“Being sexual is ungodly. It’s more sacred for the less sexual you can be.
“If you are sexual, you are dirty. »
When that’s the message you hear for years and years as a single person, it doesn’t just evaporate when you get engaged or married. When there is deep fear around something as vulnerable and precious as sex, it is impossible to overcome without serious prayer and guidance.
People who experience this, when they get married, have to struggle with “I know I have the right to have sex NOW, but it’s still dirty. I’m dirty. My partner is dirty for even being attracted to me. But it’s supposed to be such a good thing. Why do I feel this way? What is wrong with me? »
But we don’t have to shame people into being pure.
Sexuality in all humans, yes, even single people, is a good thing! We are relational because our God is relational. And that’s something that should be celebrated, not shamed.
3. Finally, not talking about sex keeps singles from seeing how close God wants to be to them
“As a young man marries a young woman, so will your Builder marry you; as a husband rejoices in his wife, so will your God rejoice in you” Isaiah 62:5.
“Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory! For the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready” Revelation 19:7.
Scriptures like this make it clear that the beautiful, full-knowing, exciting, deep intimacy that the bride and groom share is what God feels for us. And we can experience this intimacy whether we are married or not.
When we never talk about sex except to married people, we miss an opportunity to discover how wide and deep God’s love is.
Being single and feeling like you lack intimacy – that’s what God designed you for! – is deeply painful. The solution is not to have singles suppress the side of them that craves this intimacy, but to help them realize that intimacy is available to us through God all the time.
How different the Church could be if we experienced the intimacy of marriage with God in our daily lives. During our morning commute, when we share meals, we brush our teeth. The intimacy God created us for is always available to us, whether we are married or not.
I am not advocating that every sermon be about explicit sexual activity or giving advice to people who are far from married.
But it’s part of life. Part of the beautiful messy, sometimes chaotic, sometimes layered life we share with God. And we shouldn’t be afraid of it.
The views expressed in this commentary do not necessarily reflect those of Christian Headlines.
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Fizkes
Kelly-Jayne McGlynn is a former editor-in-chief of Crosswalk.com. She sees the act of expression, whether through writing or art, as a way to co-create with God and experience Him more deeply. Check out her handmade earring Instagram and Etsy for more of her thoughts on connecting with God through creative endeavors.
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The article was written by: from www.christianheadlines.com
